Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
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i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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