I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
