officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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