someone threw a dead crab at me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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