last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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