thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
