So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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