Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
