I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
