I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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