I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
