walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
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I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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