my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
