broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
