"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
