how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
