They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
