I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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