theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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