I wannas sexs uuuuu
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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