hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
