Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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