When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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