Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
