Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
