He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
