Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
