Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
