Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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