he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
