What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
