Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
