Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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