it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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