After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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