I am spending my child support on dildos
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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