after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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