Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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