got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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