So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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