So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
