your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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