Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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