If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
this is an emotional support booty call
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
