Michael Bay diarrhea
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
whose parrot is this?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
