Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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