so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
