question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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