If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
