just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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