your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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