Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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