Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
