it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
