So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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