I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
