Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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