I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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